Geneen Roth is the fortunate writer to most recently the best possible endorsement for a book: Oprah proclaimed that “every woman needs to read Women, Food and God”. Of course, I was curious to discover why Roth deserved such a lofty recommendation.
After reviewing her website I learned that Roth is no newcomer to best sellers. All of the products and books on her website reflect her well-honed expertise in helping people overcome emotional and compulsive eating. I knew instinctively that she has a keen understanding of these issues and I anxiously awaited the arrival of my ordered items. I bought her CD “Breaking Free from Emotional Eating” and was enthralled by it! The fact that this CD was made in 1986 clearly demonstrates that Roth’s ideas and approach are spot on and, to a certain extent, timeless.
Geneen Roth’s newest book Women, Food and God reflects the evolution of her thinking and work with eating and weight. I’ve discovered in talking to others about this book that having “God” in the title turns some folks off. But I encourage anyone who feels that way to look beyond this fact. “God” was a great keyword to include in the title for Search Engine Optimization. By using the word “God”, Roth implies that by courageously facing and entering the eye of the storm of one’s emotional eating, women can overcome the REAL issues that are numbing their lives and undermining their own SELF-REALIZATION AND FULFILLMENT. She refers to this process as an “opening” instead of a “closing.” Roth gracefully leaves whether this is a spiritual or personal process up to the reader.
Roth has real credibility, having gained and lost over 1000 pounds herself and having stumbled upon a life changing and lasting solution: Stop dieting and start listening to and trusting your own body.
She acknowledges how frightening a proposition this is for women who struggle with their weight. But in telling her own story and the stories of others, Roth makes a compelling case that women can end the war with their weight and bodies by examining what is underneath emotional eating. By constantly scrutinizing what we put into our mouths through dieting, Roth eloquently explains how we disconnect ourselves from our bodies and its needs. Ironically, being on a diet eventually causes us to eat more and gain weight.
I blogged about this very problem in October 2008 (Why Demonizing Food Defeats Us, http://www.essentialsteps.net/blog/page/2/ but from a different perspective. I explained, using Reactance Theory as a framework, that research suggests when humans feel their freedom is being threatened they ARE MOTIVATED TO RECLAIM THEIR FREEDOM. (This is what “reactance” implies. We are motivated to react and rebel against whatever is robbing us of our freedom.) In plain language, this means that when you diet and feel that you don’t have the freedom to eat what you want, you are actually MOTIVATED TO REBEL against the diet. This leads women to binge, thus leading to feelings of failure and self-loathing until the next cycle of dieting begins. It is Important to note that DIETING IS THE PREDOMINANT SOLUTION WE HAVE BEEN GIVEN FOR ADDRESSING EATING AND WEIGHT ISSUES IN OUR CULTURE. The irony is that, for many women, living in the dieting paradigm is what has caused them to binge and gain weight. (Clearly, dieting works for some women as a long-term solution. But I don’t think it works well for most.)
As someone who has lived in Europe, I can see a distinction between American and European women’s relationship with food. While women in Europe certainly care about their body size, they place extreme value on eating and living well and enjoying life to the fullest. While living in Spain, I heard Spanish women in midlife lament their changing bodies just like an American would. But, it was at a lower level of intensity and shame. In addition, Europeans, in general, have not been socialized to consider dieting and self-deprivation as a main lifestyle option as we have. Eating well is a valued priority and life experience in Europe. Some think that is precisely the reason that “French Women Don’t Get Fat” (a book by Mireille Guilliano.) While research in fact does show that waist lines are expanding around the globe, the heighted focus on weight and eating the “right foods” in the United States seems unique. It will be interesting to see if other countries also adopt the diet mentality if the “obesity epidemic” continues to worsen internationally as it appears to be doing.
Clotaire Rapaille in the Culture Code says his research has shown that becoming overweight in America represents people “checking out” and disconnecting from their lives. He and Roth agree on this key point. He suggests that diet marketers have effectively tapped into this unconscious issue and offer new dieting approaches as a way for overweight folks to “re-connect”. While these new dieting solutions hook people and get them to re-focus on the next new diet, clearly they do not offer a lasting solution. Rapaille says that the opposite tension from “checking out” is “connection”, something else that Roth would agree with. Roth unapologetically suggests that the only way for women to stop emotional eating and the cycle of weight gain is by no longer dieting so that they can CONNECT WITH and heal their core issues.
While dieting and weight gain is, to some extent, also clearly related to our current society and culture (e.g., huge portion sizes at restaurants, expensive or no fresh fruits and vegetables in inner cities), I have come to a conclusion similar to that of Roth about individual level change: Most women will not be able to escape the eating/diet/exercise/weight gain cycling unless they LEAVE the diet mindset and paradigm. Roth’s approach and programs are among the very best options that I’ve seen to accomplish this.
I’ve had my own experience leaving this mindset. While I have never been a large person, I used to be 15-20 pounds heavier than I am now. Despite not being in the state of extreme pain and desperation that Roth talks about when she initiated her eating experiment, twenty years ago I got tired of thinking SO MUCH about food, weight and my body. This was probably just normal body vigilance for a 20-something woman but it was still exhausting. At that time, I created a mindset-change experiment. I told myself: “Michelle, you can eat ANYTHING you want as long as you are really hungry for it and you have to stop eating when you feel satiated.” To play this game, I had to TUNE INTO MY BODY in a way that I hadn’t before. It was a strange new experience to connect to my body and self before putting something in my mouth. One day, a couple of weeks into this experiment, someone offered me a delicious looking chocolate truffle from a box of elegant chocolates. So, as per my experiment rules, I paused to check in with my body to see whether it felt like eating chocolate. (I have always loved chocolate!) You can imagine my shock when I realized that eating chocolate didn’t appeal to me then, and I politely declined.
In that moment, I discovered something very powerful, and it is what Roth is a true master at helping people achieve: When you tune into your body and its messages you FREE YOURSELF. You are no longer enslaved by food rules. Once you realize this and start listening to your body, food loses its tyrannical power over you and your energy is freed up to realize your full potential. Roth notes that in the beginning of this new path of eating, people can “go to town” on the forbidden foods. But after that psychological reactance energy has been released, food goes from being “bad” and “good” to just being FOOD. Without psychological resistance at work on your mind and body, YOUR needs and YOUR hunger and satiation signals are what become center stage. You stop gorging on foods like cookies out of psychological reactance and rebellion, and instead eat them when FEEL like it. You also start to notice how you feel after you eat certain foods. You’ll start wanting to eat foods that you didn’t used to want to eat because they felt like “should” foods. These foods now become desirable because your new body awareness teaches you that these foods make you feel better and have more energy.
It’s interesting to note that what happens with women and exercise reflects the same phenomenon but with a polar opposite reaction. Instead of compulsively doing a behavior, it leads to NOT doing a behavior. From my research, I have shown that when women exercise within a diet/weight loss mindset, they feel that they “should” exercise and thus rebel against doing it. In the case of exercising, women feel constrained by the idea that they HAVE TO exercise, and their psychological reactance says “you can’t tell me to exercise!” This causes women to desire to NOT exercise. It creates a cyclical approach from extreme exercise to no exercise just as dieting creates a cyclical approach to restraint and binging. Jane Brody interviewed me in the New York Times about these ideas a couple of months ago, http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/09/health/09brod.html. My work with women and exercise shows the same thing as Roth’s discovered with women and eating: By breaking from the diet mentality and disconnecting the behavior with trying to lose weight women re-connect to their body and its unique desires and needs. This results in self-affirmation and a deep sense of freedom. It also results in long-term behavioral sustainability.
Roth contends that we can’t ever come to peace with our bodies and stop emotional eating and the diet roller coaster until we become willing to face “our demons”, the true source of emotional eating. This is definitely a frightening thing to do. But according to Roth (and many other wise authors, such as Elizabeth Lesser (Broken Open) and Pema Chodron (When Things Fall Apart ), lovingly witnessing our true pain instead of running away, disconnecting or numbing ourselves to it is “an unexpected path to almost anything” (Cover: Women, Food, and God) and is truly transformational.
I HIGHLY encourage you to watch Roth on Oprah this week, May 12th at 4:00 EST and to check out Roth’s website, http://geneenroth.com. Geneen Roth has discovered an authentic solution to the diet and weight cycling and she is also an INCREDIBLE teacher. She is a true master from whom we can all learn.
How often do we say to ourselves “I really should do that”? We hear others saying the same thing. On the surface, this might not seem like a problem. After all, as human beings, we want to do what we think is “right”. This is a good thing!
We get into trouble, though, when our orientation to living becomes focused on accomplishing things and checking items off of our ever growing “To Do” lists.
Having this type of external focus too easily leads us to spend our daily lives doing things based on what we think we “should” do rather than what we “want”, “need” or mindfully decide to do. Do you resonate with this?
“Should-based” living often translates into living on autopilot as we rush to get one more thing done. When we do things we think we “should” do, we believe we are being our best selves, fulfilling our responsibilities well and serving others. However, living this way can be extremely stressful, unhealthy and often undermines living purposefully. I’ve also come to believe that daily decision making and behavior based on “shoulds” can let us off the hook of taking personal responsibility.
When we say “I really should do this”, what we often mean is “I’m doing this because it’s something that I think I’m supposed to do”. It doesn’t matter if we are doing this because culture tells us to, our doctor tells us to, or we are striving to be “good” daughters, friends, wives, parents, or professionals. Making decisions primarily to fulfill shoulds prevents us from mindfully evaluating the task at hand based on its merits and whether or not it helps us achieve the things that we most value.
In essence, should-based living neglects and starves our unique sense of self. Maybe this is why so many of us feel hungry all of the time. Maybe we are craving our own essence, our sense of WHO WE ARE.
“Should-based living” breeds imbalance. Living on autopilot, living as “human doings” instead of human beings is, ironically, often the path of least resistance. It is often easier to do what we feel is expected of us than it is to do the hard work of figuring out what it is we want to get out of life.
Every one of us is unique. But if our daily behavior only fulfills what we think we’re supposed to do, we miss the opportunity to fully express our uniqueness. Should-based living comes easily to most women. We have been socialized to be good mothers, wives, and friends. To be conscientious employees. To volunteer in our communities. And much more. As we contemplate the decisions that fill up our days, it is important for us to understand why we might be inclined to live a should-based life. But, the most important thing, is to evaluate if the manner in which we live and make those decisions is taking responsibility FOR our life or abdicating it?
Taking responsibility for living life on our own terms can be scary stuff. But, from my perspective, the alternative is scarier. Feeling detached, drained, and unmotivated on a daily basis. Of course we want balance in our lives and we get balance, in part, through serving others and fulfilling our responsibilities. But if most of your energy is consumed by the “shoulds” you might be missing out on inner peace and a sense of balance. You may be endangering your well-being and health.
We all deserve to become our best selves and to lead fulfilling and meaningful lives. It’s our right as humanbeings.
At lunch last week, my friend Isabella told me that she wasn’t exercising because she’s just lazy. My response? “Isabella, I don’t believe in lazy”. I’ve found that when women say they are too lazy to exercise it’s usually a smoke screen for what’s really going on.
The first reason women conclude they are lazy is because they are simply tired from successfully juggling and achieving A LOT. Being tired and needing to relax is very different than laziness. The challenge for women who feel too tired to exercise is to learn how to determine when resting and relaxing their bodies is what they most need (something that is really important to do at times) and when they’d be better off doing some form of physical activity to increase their energy and improve their mood.
The second reason that women erroneously conclude they are lazy is because they compare themselves against too high of a standard. We were told for most of our adult lives that exercise had to be hard and vigorous to be of benefit. On top of that, when we see some of our friends training for marathons or spinning every day, something that confirms our suspicion that we are lazy!
Contrary to what fitness companies want us to believe, newer research shows us that exercise doesn’t have to be vigorous to be of benefit and that all types and durations of movement “count”. But regardless of science, if intense exercise is unappealing (which it is for most women in midlife, including myself much of the time) we won’t do it anyway.
Bottom line: There is no need to compare ourselves to anyone else when it comes to being physically active or feeling like we need to do it their way. (That would be like comparing what you like in bed with what others enjoy and then condemning yourself for not being like them!)
The fix? Just change the definition of exercise from what you think exercise SHOULD be (because that’s what others are doing) to one that incorporates the types of physical activities and movement that feels good TO YOU. By the way, what feels good to do will and should change based on how you feel on any given day and time. You will discover that the idea of being laziness becomes much less relevant. Not only will you not feel lazy but you’ll wind up doing more physical activity.
One of my wonderful clients made a great analogy between how differently we approach exercising than we do eating a meal. She said that sometimes we only have time to grab something quick, when we are on the go, as a meal. She pointed out that this strategy is acceptable to us for eating but not for exercising. Her point is very insightful and I want to expand upon it below.
Most busy women would never consider the concept that they have to cook an elaborate dish for EVERY meal. Why? Because we don’t have time to have our meals always be elaborate and great. We know that depending upon any given day and time, our eating strategies have to change. In general, we probably do have specific strategies we use for our and our family’s meals. However, we know that our meal plans can “go out of the window” at any point, and we’ll just have to improvise and often eat to a “lower standard” than we want and/or had planned to.
In contrast, many of us don’t give ourselves the same leeway for exercising as we do eating! We make exercise plans and goals that we feel we need to rigidly follow. We don’t give ourselves many options or give ourselves permission to be flexible with our exercise plans. So, when “life happens”, as it always does, most of us do not improvise with our physical activity/exercise plans, like we do with eating. The result of this rigid approach (e.g., one that does not permit improvisation or flexibility) is that we wind up not doing ANY physical activity. (We’d starve if we did this with eating.)
However, most people would benefit by developing a mindset about exercising that parallels their mindset about eating. We should have general strategies and goals for being physically active, but similar to eating, have flexibility, back-up options, and/or strategies. Similar to grabbing a liquid meal or hunk of cheese when we don’t have time for our planned sit down meal, when time is tight, and we can’t do our planned exercise session, let’s improvise and figure out the “next best” thing. It could be parking further away for your meeting, getting off the train 1-2 stops earlier, or asking a friend to walk after dinner. Whether it is later that day, the next day, or a “lower standard” of physical activity(is there really such a thing?!), give yourself the same permission to improvise with physical activity as you do with food. Follow this M. Segar recipe and you’ll have consistent on-going physical activity in your life!
Footnote: It is interesting that eating is considered by many to be “essential” to living our best lives, and exercise isn’t. Yet, having a more flexible approach seems to accompany eating more than with exercising. Why are people more flexible with the behavior that is, for the most part, considered more essential to living?
By focusing our New Year’s resolutions and efforts on the “outcomes” (e.g., losing weight, getting organized) we often rush into the behaviors that we hope will get us there. But, it is the BEHAVIORS THEMSELVES that determine our ultimate success and our ability to persevere over time.
We should think about the behaviors that are essential to achieving our desired goals and choose one to focus on at the beginning of this important endeavor. It is important to understand that changing eating habits and becoming more physically active are VERY different behaviors and should be treated as such. The conventional approach to lose weight suggests focusing on both diet and exercise concurrently. If your goal is to lose as much weight as you can quickly starting to diet and exercise at the same time will get you the best results. But if your goal is to achieve a fairly large weight loss goal and/or you want to SUSTAIN the weight you lose, think about a different approach.
Changing your eating habits and learning how to make exercise a regular and consistent part of your life at the same time is very challenging. Eating and exercise each have their own “tasks” and “rules” associated with them. Both require distinct discipline, and have associations with separate sets of emotions (often negative). Think about how likely it is that we can learn how to integrate these two very distinct behaviors into our lives so we can sustain them both over time? You know if your previous efforts to initiate diet and exercising at the same time have worked for you long-term. If they have, continue to do it. If they haven’t, why not try a different approach?
